God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
