I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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