You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
