well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
