When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
