he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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