she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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