just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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