I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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