At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
