I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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