I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize