seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Pants are for mortals
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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