Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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