A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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