I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
