I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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