i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize