I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
How naked do you want me to be?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
