I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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