I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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