I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
her vagine was all disorganized.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
