I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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