Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
