My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
