my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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