I am spending my child support on dildos
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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