i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
