i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
