My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
