Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
