I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
