my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh god it's open bar.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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