a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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