my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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