My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
