I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think my moral compass just broke
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