i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
