I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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