I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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