I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
