So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
