thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
