mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
