I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
