Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
