If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
