all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
