just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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