the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize