At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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