i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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