90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Couch. On fire.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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