Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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