He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
