Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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