Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
