My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
