Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
