You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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